Channeling some Joe!emo

[emothy]

(Confession: Sometimes I can't write Joe when I'm upset because I'm worried all my own emo is going to come out via him, and suddenly he'll have issues he isn't even supposed to have. And bb has enough of those!)


Earlier I went to go hug the toilet bowl briefly because all of a sudden I was actually retching and I couldn't stop. And I don't get sick often. I feel nauseous, but I never actually throw up. I just have to deal with the awful sick feeling for hours. It's been years and years since that actually happened.

Turned out, luckily, there was absolutely nothing in my stomach that could come up, so nothing happened after all. Except me crying some more.

(When someone asks, "will you be okay?" as they say goodbye, and in response you burst into tears, that's kind of the answer right there).

I wasn't in there long, but it's not far from the living room. The thing is, mum never even noticed.

Sometimes... I just really want to be noticed.

I also want to go and ask her for a hug right now but I know I'll burst into tears, so I can't.

I hate being twenty-four sometimes.


-

A question - when you find someone intimidating, is it easier to keep conversation on a superficial level rather than try to talk about ~feelings~? Is it because you're worried about the impression you'll make on them, if you are feeling down? Is it because if they are the one feeling down suddenly they're a real person and not idolised anymore and you have to deal with adjusting to that?



Off to work now!

Comments

[thelittleone]

oh em :(

em, i am going to stay up until late okay. and we are going to catch up. i do hope you're feeling a bit better by the time you see this -- or i catch you online. whichever comes first.

[noblemadness]

em (hugs) i hope you're feeling better by the time you read this. rest up, okay?

when i find someone intimidating but nice, my first impulse is to include this person in my deepest-level journal filters. sometimes i manage to fight off this impulse, because it is a stupid impulse XD; but i suppose i can rationalize it by saying i would prefer that this awesome person get to know the darker sides of me, and then decide if s/he still wants to be associated with me, or break off all ties, right off the bat.

and if this person should decide to let ~feelings~ loose, unmasking him/herself as a real person and not the second coming in the process, i always consider it an honor... and a learning experience. ~feelings~ are scary, but if we stick to the un-scary and safe, we don't learn new things.

so far i've found that very little turns me off about people i already admired to begin with, even after getting to know them better.

ahaha i ramble XD; sorry about that. in short, i prefer disillusionment to come early. saves time and effort and dramu.

[emothy]

Thank you Bhex <3

For what it's worth, I love your ramble! XD


Also thank you for reminding me of the distinction - there's intimidating because someone is nice, but also because someone is not nice. I've felt the second one a lot in life!

[fairytales]

Oh intimidation. :/ It's a strange beast! If I find someone intimidating, then I never share my emotions with them because I'm all fail over my emotions and overwrought and stuff. I don't want to seem less of a person; I want to seem capable and in control and cool, someone they'd want to be friends with, not this emotional heap with no sense! I am just a loser and these people are awesome!

But I love it when they share emotions because I get to see them as a whole person and usually their situations seem... not anymore important okay so they do always seem more important than my problems and everyone seems to handle things better than I do.

I'm sorry you're feeling sick. I hope by the time you got to work you felt a bit better. *hugs* I'm sorry the question made you start crying. And next time I'll listen to my instincts rather than go.

There will be fun and happy things later, okay? And if you're still too sick to think about laughing or anything like that, we'll have a nice quiet time of it.

You should get some rest! If you can't eat then your body needs to rest, so you can feel better and recover your energy! ♥

[emothy]

I purposely didn't tell you so you WOULD go to sleep. But I know you'd rather know the truth in the long run :* It was just tears because you were concerned about me <3

oh Satonaka, why are you so epic? unf

[fairytales]

I would! And thank you for sharing it with me. :*

[umiyuki]

Oh Em, I wish we'd had more time to talk earlier. I hope your day at work went alright, and that you have a good evening. And I am really hoping that you have a good, restful two days off, and that we can have more of a chance to talk then.

And um. Forgive me if this is completely off-base, because I have a tendency to internalize things that are often not even about me, but I hope I haven't been coming off as intimidating, or given the impression that I will like you any less for being open about your feelings. The truth is I like you immensely and I am seriously thrilled that you wanted to (and still want to) be friends with me. And I just want to reassure you that I'm never going to think less of you for anything, okay? Having feelings and expressing them is not something that I would ever judge you harshly for; I would honestly be glad for the chance to get to know you better. And if you are in need of attention and I am not fulfilling that need, please let me know, because I can sometimes be too oblivious about these things, and I will never think you needy for asking for attention. I will just love you.

And oh god, sometimes I hate being 24, too. Let me just give you some hugs (I wish they could be in-person hugs! Maybe someday!) and hope this makes things suck a little less.