i usually say 'you' because you know who

I wasn't in a good mood when I went to bed last night. I went because I was sitting blasting As Ember on my ipod at full volume, trying to feel something, anything, trying to let out some emotion and cry, but the tears wouldn't come. They don't anymore, not for real things. Only for dumb things that don't even mean anything.

I thought about Cynthia for a long time before I feel asleep. Thought about her being here. With me. So I wouldn't be so alone. Everytime I thought it I squeezed my teddybear a little bit tighter. I think I squashed and choked him, but he understood.

I think I dreamt about her too, all night. I woke up still in a terrible mood.

I used to talk excitedly about her coming over here, until I started reminding myself what she'd be leaving behind, even if only for a little while. A best friend with something really special there, something I've never had myself. So I started to shut up and watch as some friendships got the tiniest little bit better than they used to be. I should know, I was the one who listened. And stopped being so selfish, and wanting the impossible.

Well being selfish is just a part of who I am. And so there.

I want you here, and I want you here now. I want you here all the time. The end.