why does it always have to be about me?
Dec. 1st, 2004 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emothyI love you, but right now I don’t like you.
I love my friends, but I can’t seem to show it. I can say it, but then I just fuck everything up and hurt everyone. I can’t balance anything. I get my attention grabbed by one and neglect the others, I lose one and get too upset to notice the ones left.
If I say something I might say it wrong; if I don’t say something the silence might hurt more. It’s lose-lose, and I can’t believe my thoughts and feelings and actions could be of so much importance sometimes. I’m so used to people going to others for things that I just take what I can get, and don't’ stop to think how people will react when things with them and myself change. If they change around me I accept it, just like I always have because there’s nothing else I can do. Nothing works. No-one stays, or listens or changes.
There is something larger than life about my personality that threatens people, I know this. It makes strong people wary towards me, or hate me from the start, I make meeker people scared of me until I convince them somehow I’m not going to bite their head off, or they see me in a moment of weakness. Do I have to always be upset and crying just so people will give me the time of day?
Human nature is so fucking… Shallow. If someone is upset you feel the need to comfort them, and that’s not nurturing as nature, it’s usually guilt that you might have done something wrong, or nosiness, wanting to find out what happened and why and when and where. People are vile.
God I don’t know way I bother to write this crap; no-one reads it. Or if they do they don’t understand. I’ve noticed that recently. They seize on the point that affects them most and turn it to be about sympathy for me. Everyone wants something for nothing. You think you find someone who understands, then you remind yourself no-one understands completely; everyone just understands snippets of where you’re coming from, certain areas. I go off on a tangent so much maybe people lose what my original point was. The deepest point. What’s bothering me most.
Maybe it’s not what you think. Maybe I’m just sick and tired of being a failure.
I love my friends, but I can’t seem to show it. I can say it, but then I just fuck everything up and hurt everyone. I can’t balance anything. I get my attention grabbed by one and neglect the others, I lose one and get too upset to notice the ones left.
If I say something I might say it wrong; if I don’t say something the silence might hurt more. It’s lose-lose, and I can’t believe my thoughts and feelings and actions could be of so much importance sometimes. I’m so used to people going to others for things that I just take what I can get, and don't’ stop to think how people will react when things with them and myself change. If they change around me I accept it, just like I always have because there’s nothing else I can do. Nothing works. No-one stays, or listens or changes.
There is something larger than life about my personality that threatens people, I know this. It makes strong people wary towards me, or hate me from the start, I make meeker people scared of me until I convince them somehow I’m not going to bite their head off, or they see me in a moment of weakness. Do I have to always be upset and crying just so people will give me the time of day?
Human nature is so fucking… Shallow. If someone is upset you feel the need to comfort them, and that’s not nurturing as nature, it’s usually guilt that you might have done something wrong, or nosiness, wanting to find out what happened and why and when and where. People are vile.
God I don’t know way I bother to write this crap; no-one reads it. Or if they do they don’t understand. I’ve noticed that recently. They seize on the point that affects them most and turn it to be about sympathy for me. Everyone wants something for nothing. You think you find someone who understands, then you remind yourself no-one understands completely; everyone just understands snippets of where you’re coming from, certain areas. I go off on a tangent so much maybe people lose what my original point was. The deepest point. What’s bothering me most.
Maybe it’s not what you think. Maybe I’m just sick and tired of being a failure.