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[ music | As Ember - Echoes ]
I'll never trust another mirror ever again. What are they, MAGIC? From the hall of mirrors?! Because I swear I look TWICE the fucking size that I seem in the mirror when I take a photograph of myself. I wanted to show off some new clothes I was given [NEW and unworn hand-me-downs are technically not really hand-me-downs! They're like GIFTS] but dude no fucking WAY.
I look about 12, and the only way you can't mistake me for that is the great huge mountains on my damn chest. but I look awfully young and just whale-like. I'm the kind of person you'd be embarrassed to be friends with, to be seen with, because I'm just gross to look at. Or that person you love being friends with because no matter how bad a day you're having, I'd still look worse.
I know there are people bigger than me, I KNOW THAT. I also know a lot of them fucking live on MacDonald's. And they're all TALL by the way! I'm five foot three. If I lost 3 stone right now I would still be within my weight range for my height, I promise you. THREE STONE. That's somehwere between a quarter and a THIRD of my body weight. I'm so fucking sick of this, especially the cycles where I realise how huge I am, cry my eyes out and feel generally crap about myself, which is going to happen really soon I bet, try not to eat/try to eat healthily/do whatever my mum says to try and lose weight, fail, feel even worse about myself, say fuck it and blame the world for being unfair in that some people can eat all day everyday, eat so much junk food crap and stay stick insect-y and then COMPLAIN about it, while I barely eat anything anymore and still nothing.
Then will come the binging of rebellion where I say fuck it and just eat what I want. Then I'll feel bad about myself again. Then I'll spend the next few weeks or months looking into the mirror twice everytime I pass it, turning sideways and telling myself either "I am so fat" or "I look okay today, don't I? I'm not that huge really" until it starts over again.
Blahblahblah other people have problems, other people are bigger than me, I'm not really fat I'm lovely, say what you want. I won't believe it. I can't believe it, because I'm the one who sees me all the time, not just in photographs I've picked out, one out of a hundred and said "that one is halfway decent, other human beings can see that one". I still get backpain and I know it's from that fat that just fucking HANGS off my back. I don't understand how overweight and obese people can even survive. If I'm uncomfortable how do people bigger than me even manage to get up and walk around? How can they bear it?
I suppose all that matters is if I wanted I could get myself out of this right? Yeah it's not for lack of wanting to, or lack of trying. I have MINUS a billion points when it comes to willpower. Not next to none, or none, I'm negative, I'm missing even the average in willpower when it comes to food.
I have fucking ISSUES man.
I'll never trust another mirror ever again. What are they, MAGIC? From the hall of mirrors?! Because I swear I look TWICE the fucking size that I seem in the mirror when I take a photograph of myself. I wanted to show off some new clothes I was given [NEW and unworn hand-me-downs are technically not really hand-me-downs! They're like GIFTS] but dude no fucking WAY.
I look about 12, and the only way you can't mistake me for that is the great huge mountains on my damn chest. but I look awfully young and just whale-like. I'm the kind of person you'd be embarrassed to be friends with, to be seen with, because I'm just gross to look at. Or that person you love being friends with because no matter how bad a day you're having, I'd still look worse.
I know there are people bigger than me, I KNOW THAT. I also know a lot of them fucking live on MacDonald's. And they're all TALL by the way! I'm five foot three. If I lost 3 stone right now I would still be within my weight range for my height, I promise you. THREE STONE. That's somehwere between a quarter and a THIRD of my body weight. I'm so fucking sick of this, especially the cycles where I realise how huge I am, cry my eyes out and feel generally crap about myself, which is going to happen really soon I bet, try not to eat/try to eat healthily/do whatever my mum says to try and lose weight, fail, feel even worse about myself, say fuck it and blame the world for being unfair in that some people can eat all day everyday, eat so much junk food crap and stay stick insect-y and then COMPLAIN about it, while I barely eat anything anymore and still nothing.
Then will come the binging of rebellion where I say fuck it and just eat what I want. Then I'll feel bad about myself again. Then I'll spend the next few weeks or months looking into the mirror twice everytime I pass it, turning sideways and telling myself either "I am so fat" or "I look okay today, don't I? I'm not that huge really" until it starts over again.
Blahblahblah other people have problems, other people are bigger than me, I'm not really fat I'm lovely, say what you want. I won't believe it. I can't believe it, because I'm the one who sees me all the time, not just in photographs I've picked out, one out of a hundred and said "that one is halfway decent, other human beings can see that one". I still get backpain and I know it's from that fat that just fucking HANGS off my back. I don't understand how overweight and obese people can even survive. If I'm uncomfortable how do people bigger than me even manage to get up and walk around? How can they bear it?
I suppose all that matters is if I wanted I could get myself out of this right? Yeah it's not for lack of wanting to, or lack of trying. I have MINUS a billion points when it comes to willpower. Not next to none, or none, I'm negative, I'm missing even the average in willpower when it comes to food.
I have fucking ISSUES man.